As I wake in the middle of the night, I try quickly to shut my eyes and drift back to sleep.
I do not want it to feel me, because night time is its favorite occasion to come.
Before I can crawl back into a sleeping slumbers arms, I can feel its presence.
Its phantom of fear, cries and loneliness as it whispers through the darkness, “remember…..”
I immediately pull the blankets up over my head and try to avoid that familiar, haunting sound.
Trying with all I have to keep out the images, feelings of then behind, so it doesn’t taint my present worries.
Like a mist, it slips under my barrier and it creeps into my mind and down into my heart.
There is no avoiding this terrifying feeling.
It was just some blood, okay maybe a bit more but no pain.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I recall last time, there was no pain as well.
It can be silent stalker that steps in your life and takes command of your body.
Once it has you in its grasp there is no escape….all you can do is fight.
I think logically there is no proof or sign that it will return but hard to believe when I see similar sights.
“I can’t do this again”, I whimper into the cold,black night.
I fought it by myself the last time and do not think I have the strength to go at it again.
It is hard to avoid the worry when this seems all too familiar.
Memories of the distress are still very tangible and sit at my bedside.
Even when I hide, I know they are all watching.
I pull back into my old mantras to ease the nagging thoughts.
Control my breathing so I can fall back to sleep.
I will not allow it to take control over my world until I know for certain it has returned.