It is only at night I can wrap myself up and hold my secrets between my ribcage-embrace and just breathe. I run my trembling fingers down my stomach searching for a sign and to feel the darkness that has taken my body hostage. Closing my eyes I inhale the stars to illuminate me from within. I try to expel the anger, suffering….the cancer that has burrowed itself within me.
Grabbing onto bedsheets and twisting myself until the pain dulls, just so I can cry silently. My body trembles as I try to choke down the sounds of fear and anger. Outrage at the world, him and even God. The feelings cut through me and slither out of my mouth as I find myself weeping out loud.
Why did you put him in my life? I’ve battled years of his fiery words that left marks on my soul worse than any of the bruises. Black and blue fade to flesh but the scars on my barely beating heart remain as a reminder. Just when I was on my knees about to stand tall again you push me back down with this contaminated body. Have I not suffered enough? My babies…my only light in this somber world…who will now be their shelter and love? Why God, why?
As quickly as my words began to fill the moonlit room, I hear another voice gently moving and resting on my shoulder- whispering into my ear. Softhearted words quickly soothe my hurt and steady my selfish core. Slowly I rise and let the tears fall into my bed where they will wait so I can drown in them once more.
eyes full of tears
fringed with star-dust
under a confessional moon