I just laid there staring at the ceiling. Watching the fan go around and around then I close my eyes and focus in on the hum of its motor. I am not even sure what time it is but can judge by the sun and noise in my home it has to be late morning. The teenagers are awake full of energy. I can hear them carrying on with one another and laughing. That brings a smile to my face. I want to join them but afraid if they see my face they will know something is wrong. Who am I fooling? They know something is wrong.
I ponder those thoughts and bring to mind the image of me telling them what is happening. I can feel the anger and pain that will come out of their hearts. I know that pain because that is what I am dealing with. I am not mourning the loss of it, but for them they will lose an image they might have in their heads. They may or may not ask questions. They have every valid reason to do so and I will be ready. Of course I am doing it alone and it is probably better that way. With me they will get someone who will cry with them not roll their eyes and blow up. I will try to be comfort and strength.
I shake my head trying to release those “what if” moments that will occur when I am ready. I try and heave my body out of bed so I can join them downstairs. When I am with them I still hurt on the inside but it helps having them laugh and joke around with me.
I can do this. I can get out of bed.
One foot on the floor, second foot on the floor.
Shuffle to the bathroom.
Look in the mirror.
Hi me! We can do this. We will be okay. I will be okay.
Guess what? I love me and that is what matters.
I smile because it feels good to be loved.
I then walk away a little quicker to go have breakfast with my teens. Another morning down and another day closer to being whole once more. I reach my bedroom door, put my fore head against it so I can center myself. I breathe in and out.
Remember, I love ME!