Drowning

Smile….keep smiling.  Oh wait, you are suppose to laugh now. Stay strong because everyone is watching.

She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. No one really wants to see so they just go along with what she portrays. If anyone would take a moment to look really into her eyes, they would see she is drowning. She is slowly collapsing under the brutal force of sorrow, regret and fear. Each of her breaths become more labored than the one before. But still she stands, smiling. Trying to be what everyone needs her to be.

She makes it through the moment but now is in her room alone. Each step is harder to take. The cries she kept inside start to come out. She allows them to come, she turns off the light and drops to her knees. Looks upward and starts praying out loud.

“Dear Lord please take this from me. I really cannot do this anymore. The pressure is too much.  I am sorry for all I have done wrong but I am too weak now. I cannot go on much more”.

Then she goes limp and curls up on the floor. So many memories go through her mind. She can’t stop them. Honor your feelings is what her friend keeps telling her.  But what if they are just too overwhelming? The weight of it all is just crushing her soul…her heart is in half.

She feels the tears come so strong and her hands start to grope in the darkness….searching for some sort of comfort.  Anything. She feels around until she reaches the side of her blanket hanging from her bed.  She pulls it to her.  She wraps herself up to try and muffles her cries. The emotions are coming and no way of stopping it. She resigns to the pain and lets it wash over her.  Take over her completely. At least she is feeling something….it means she is alive even if just barely hanging in there.

She tries to let go of all the thoughts in her mind and transfers herself to another place. She closes her eyes and travels to a place she has always wanted to go. India. She pulls out images of the color, the people, sounds and smells of the place she longs to go. A place of healing she hopes. Alone she will go….one day.

As she gets lost on her journey she drifts slowly to sleep. Her body relaxes, the tears slow and her mind steadies. Her breathing changes as her thoughts turn into dreams. She smiles a little as she sleeps because at least for a moment she feels happiness. She lifts away from her pain, hurt and loneliness….she is at peace….even if it is just for a brief time.

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